Why I'm not a Vegetarian

Plants. They are our friends. They are here for us. We make clothing and bedding and napkins out of them. Could you imagine a leather napkin? Or leather panties? I know that I can not! They supply us with so much goodness, it just makes me feel all gooshy inside. With such a great ally, how can we go wrong?!

Lies! Plants our not our friends! They think they are our masters! They once ruled the earth. They were everywhere. They took in all of that lovely C02 and output a poisonous, corrosive, explosive gas, something that no sane creature could live off of - pure oxygen, O2. The Devil's Gas. Early on, all was fine when there weren't that many plants. But once they grew in population and dominated the world, their buildup of toxic gases was too great for them. They needed a solution. They needed a set of creatures that could not only survive in this newly forming toxic wasteland of O2, but maybe even output the much needed CO2 that all higher beings, plants, needed. The plants put their best scientist on the problem, and a solution was reached...

Animals appeared to fill that void! The plants were happy again! But some upstart species came along, thinking it was the dominate species, even though any logical creature could tell that the plants control the hu-mans, gave them everything that they needed in order to keep them sucking in all of that waste and outputting delicious CO2. The hu-mans started trying to starve the plants, cut back on CO2, so the plants are fighting back. They are trying to reassert their dominance!

What can we do keep control? What can we do to prevent plants from continuing to rule "us"? We attack on two fronts: 1) we kill their kind and turn them into paper that we wipe ourselves with (just to rub it in their "faces") and other products that we do not need (ie kill them for no reason, just to make them feel helpless), 2) we starve them by cutting back on their CO2 producing meat-machines: animals.

The more goods we consume, the more we can control their numbers. The more burgers we eat, the more we can control their CO2 supply. Do not be fooled, this is war - a war I want "us" to win! So, let's all do our part! I'll be there for you, there to lift that burger if you fall.

The Edward

This just in, proof of what I said: pictures of plants mating with human women. I'd hate to see the offspring of these unholy unions! Is there nothing plants will not do to regain their Power?