The Perfect Piss
I do not know when it started, all that I know is that it has been with me for as long as I can remember. Probably OCD or something like that. At some point in my distant past, I noticed that pissing made a sound. Yeah, not a brilliant revelation, I'm sure it is one that many people have had. The OCD part came in when I thought to myself "Hmmm... there are a lot of other people in this room besides me. And I do have this thing about people knowing what I am really thinking or doing. A solution! Can I piss in such a way that it makes no sound?" Thus an obsession was born.
Seen, the bowl of a toilet has curves. Each bowl is unique in its curves. Some of the men's urinals (I can not speak for women's urinals) even have a little pocket on the sides, I guess so secret agents can hide stuff there. Out of sight, yet hiding in plain sight. I began to analyze these curves as a means to my goal. Could I vary my position, my relative distance to the bowl, my aim, or any other variables in such a way that when the fluid flows, it hits in such a way to not make a sound? This would be the perfect piss! Or better stated, each piss could be the perfect one.
It is actually quite complex, you want the intersect of two curves to have a smooth differential. No sound is created when particles move from start to finish with no abrupt changes in at least the first derivative. It requires a smooth aim, constant adjustments for variables like wind speed, how long between bathrooms breaks, slight shifts in gravity, etc.
Then is is also the water line - is it a friend or foe? Obviously hitting the water directly would be bad. But right at the edge, the boundary between the two surfaces, it is possible to have the water absorb the impact without a sound, but it requires the skill of a master.
Sure, there is a lot more to it than this - isn't there always? I figured it out a long time ago. I'm sure some of you might have as well, though when I go to a men's room, it never sounds like it. But, I have discovered a flaw in all of this. Indeed, I am living my dream of privacy, but the dragon that haunts my world of piss: it now looks like I enter a stall, stand around for a bit, then leave. If I do not make a sound, and there are many people around, do they ask themselves: "What is he doing over there? He is making the motions, but since I hear nothing, maybe he is doing something else? Maybe he has one of those shy bladders. Ah, isn't that cute. Maybe I'll just go over there and hug him just to let him know it is alright." What they perceive as failure is actually mastery beyond their wildest dreams!
So, even if you can master the art of doing something in such a perfect way that no one else knows you are doing it, you have to add a flaw back into it or else you might seem kind of weird. Now excuse me for a minute, there is something I need to take care of.
The Edward
4 comments:
Nobody would see/understand/seek perfection if not for flaws.
Also, TMI, I have the same noise issue in multi-person bathrooms (or others' homes) so I have discovered my own fool-proof technique... if I flush at the same time, all anyone hears is the toilet. Other people who have the disturbing habit/interest of listening to other people piss, miss out on identifying what kind of piss I take when I flush at the same time. I love pissing people off!
Interesting. I have heard people use your technique, and have tried the flushing while pissing myself, but found that I had to flush again afterwards, since that which I wanted to flush away was still there. Overall, I give it a 5 on a scale of 10.
Having never been a woman, I admit to a woeful lack of understanding of what is possible. I know that Le Funnel was popular for a while, though I haven't heard that product mentioned in a bit now. But the question I have is how much control over where does a woman have? Is it possible with correction positioning, manipulation, muscle control, etc to recreate the perfect piss scenario? Sounds like a good high school science project for someone! Or some other interested party, which based on some videos that I have seen, there must be very many...
Though there is an aside from something you said - sitting while flushing. I remember trying that as a child once, and it felt very good to have that cool breeze created by the water flushing. It felt so good, it must be wrong! I never tried it again. Because of that, and I had also heard that water splash up from the bowl during a flush. That and I was afraid of what happens if it didn't quite flush and started to overflow.
Edward, I do NOT want to give you the impression that I actually SIT on toilets that are public or multi-person used. I HOVER, which is to say, there are no ass cheeks touching any surface of any kind! Hovering also takes care of avoiding the backsplash water from the flush as well as allowing you to see if it's going to overflow before it actually touches you (goodness forbid that should happen, mortifying to the extreme).
As to a woman having control over "where" her stream goes, I have heard there are women out there who can piss like a guy. I am not one of them. And do not have so much control other than getting it in the bowl. TMI!!
Who cares if you have to flush multiple times, as many as it takes is my philosophy.
Interesting... you must have some stellar thigh muscles... :)
I used to avoid sitting on public toilets, until Penn & Teller set me straight. The claim is that there is nothing you can catch. I even heard a Dr on the radio say the same thing. Just wipe of any "liquid" from the seat, and you are good to go! It took me a long time, but I finally am used to it. No more shuddering in mortal terror! Just disgust at men who do not lift the lid then miss the opening.
If someone has that kind of control, maybe it is learnable? Depends on how it is done - I see a weekend research project for those of us with OCD! Though I admit your phrasing about women pissing like a man didn't evoke the image I was looking for, if there was even an image I was looking for - I wasn't. But the image I have now is not a pretty one. "Have sex like a man" used to bother me in the same way on Sex in the City. I know the word "like" is in there, but I still get this masculine image overlaid on a woman - and not in a good way.
I used to be a believer in the multiflush a "do what it takes to get the job done" kind of person. But living in CA for so long, being surrounded by people who believe flushing even once is way too much, I guess some of that has rubbed off on me. One flush per visit is my goal - I actual get upset sometimes when I have to flush twice. Sad - who have I become?
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