My Future

Continuing with the introspection, which I am sure is a real joy to read, I was reminded of something today, something that had put me into this introspective mood a year ago. I was in a local pasta shop with some friends. After we had ordered and gotten our food, this woman walked in. Okay, it wasn't this woman, since I do not have one in my hands right now, but a woman walked in. She seemed normal at first. Then she walked up to the counter to order and did so. Shocking, I know. What she did next though... she stripped off her clothes and danced to Mozart on the table. Okay, it wasn't that shocking or interesting. She took some money out of her wallet and laid it on the counter. But she didn't give it to the clerk, and the clerk did wait for it. Instead she moved up really close to the bills and started to smooth them out.

She continued to smooth them for the entire time we were there, maybe 10 minutes. Everyone in the restaurant politely looked away, since it was obvious that she had an obsession. She seemed fine when she talked and ordered, and didn't reek of low IQ, so she probably was OCD. I sat there contemplating her and her fate when I realized something. Since everyone looked away, did she know what she looked like in other people's eyes? Did she realize how bad her OCD really was? Without that feedback loop, I doubt it. People cared too much to tell her the truth and she spiraled downward.

Well, I am assuming a lot of the above. The interesting thing for me is that earlier that day, when the time of seating at this restaurant had arrived, my friends went out of their way to find the ideal seat for me. See, when I walk into a restaurant, I immediately scan the place for the ideal seat. Just something about a certain place that I like. Actually, it built up over the years. I found that strangers sitting next to me annoy me, then the people behind me started in as well. Now it is that I jump at noises from certain directions, so I need to sit in a certain seat or I get jumpy.

So, in looking at this woman, I realized that I was heading down that path, if I wasn't there already. I realized all of the things that my friends do for me to make me more at ease when in public with them. And I realized that I have some level of this OCD.

What this made me feel is sad, but not for myself, but for my friends. I have chosen to let things annoy me, I know this to be true so I am willing to live with my choices. But I realized how hard it must be to be around me. Things that they never had to think about in their lives, like which table or which seat or how many people were on an elevator or etc, they now think about when around me.

I vowed to overcome it, which is the main reason I took this spiffy new job at a place that has four people per office. It is very tough on me - I feel drained all of the time. I hope to be less of a burden to those around me, those whom I call friends.

Maybe some day, we will all walk hand in hand down to a restaurant and boldly just sit wherever we want to, no matter where it is, or how loud the people are around the table. And on that day, birds will sing! Children will laugh! And there will smiles on everyone's faces, even the happy little puppies!

The Edward