Why?

Part 4. First seek out Part 1. Then Part 2. Followed by part 3.

Last we left me on Friday last week, I was bawling like a baby in my office at work. (Not balling like a man with a hot date.) Why? I should be happy! So many of my memories now made sense. So much of my life on Earth that was a mystery to me, suddenly became clear. I should have been dancing in the streets! But I wasn't. Why? Because I then knew what it all meant, why this and so many other things have eluded me for so long. I didn't feel/think the same way as others. Not that I didn't have the same underlying belief (I do not), I know I do not share many common beliefs. Someone in a foreign land has beliefs that I would never even consider, but it doesn't bother me. Or at least it didn't, because I always thought that people choice what to believe, like I do.

People with different religions, different cultures, different ways of life, etc. I assumed that each person chose to live the life they were leading. If they didn't like where they were born, move somewhere. Don't like the desert, find a way out. Don't like the cold, move south. Don't like the ruling body, find like minded people. But, I now know this not to be true. People all over the word are who they are not by choice, but by the choices of others.

People who suicide bomb didn't sit down and think that this was the most rational way to make their point. They were just told their whole lives that that was what life was about. No real choices. The difference between a homeless man with strange opinions and Hitler is the way in which they delivered the message. A homeless person is not high up in the pack mentality of humans, he doesn't use his words correctly to motivate, etc. He could be the next Hitler, if he did things slightly differently, and he would be responsible for the actions of the people he convinced to believe in him. Because humans are that easy to sway.

Sure, I've read a lot books on influence, and I've always said humans are pack animals based on the way they drive and how companies and governments are structured. But, I always thought that was a choice, something to make it easier. "A burden shared is a burden lessened." Not "Alpha human told me to, so therefore I must."

I remember back to when I first started at this current job. There was a few weeks of controversy over a new splash screen. None of the long time engineers liked it. So, they all lined up to tell their manager how unhappy they were about it. I didn't understand. I thought "If you do not want the new splash screen, then don't put it in. No one else can do it except you, so if do not do it, it will not happen." But, they felt compelled to do something that was against their nature, because "word from on high said to do it!". Stop hitting yourself!

When I told people about my shift in understanding, they argued, "What if someone forces you? Puts a gun to your head!" They can not force you. If someone puts a gun to your head and tells you to steal a pack of gum or else, then the person with the gun is responsible for that physical threat, and you for the gum. You decided that your life was worth more than the gum. If someone says "Hey, kill that guy over there or I will go home and get a gun and kill you." Would you do it? If you have seen any movie, you would know that the guy is going to kill you either way, so why do something you do not want to do? He might not even have a gun! (Stories like that (of influence without actual basis) have fascinated me my whole life, so much so that I have sought them out.)

In the past, people have asked me to do things that I didn't want to do. If I do not want to, I do not do them. Often times they will try to manipulate me, which just looks kind of silly to me, to which I still say No.

I'm just kind of rambling now, rehashing in the point, making up extreme cases, etc. What it all meant to me is that I am, and always will be, alone in this world. And as sad as that is, that is not why I wept.

The Edward