Modern Porn

Well, with a title like that, I could talk about most anything. I could take the essence of what we consider to be pornographic and ask the question "What aspects of our modern life contain this same essence? What do we lust after as much as seeing pictures of other people having sex? Maybe we can apply this in some unique way and discover an interesting truth about modern society?" Or I could just talk about how porn, defined as seeing pictures of people doing it, has changed over the years. Sure, not as deep (ba-da-bing) but easy to ramble about at this late hour. So, let's dive in.

Porn sure has changed over the years. In used to be cave drawings, then... well, maybe too far back. I think the 70s porn everyone had Afros, but I do not know for sure - movie theatre only, and I was "too young".

In the 80's, porn videos had women with big hair everywhere and the movies were movies (ie plot, dialog, etc). Something like "Pizza delivery. You can't pay for it? Maybe we can work something out..." or "Plumber, I'm here to fix the sink. It is in your bedroom? And you can not pay for it? I'm sure we can work something out..." then the sex begins.

That was kind of nice, there was a context. But, with the advent of video, people realized that they could fast forward over the dialog and skip right to the sex. The movie production companies (ie two guys with a camera and some bucks to hire "actress wannabees") realized they didn't need to hire a writer! (kind of like what Hollywood realized around then too) People just want to see the sex, so they created sex only movies. The movies start out with the guy balls deep in the women and they just go from there. Or if it is a lesbian movie, four fingers in and ready for more. Or if it is a gay movie... well, I can not speak to that, sorry. Oh, and both men and women were shaven in the 90s.

Once the internet came around, I must admit I lost track of my good friend Video Porn. A few years ago, I decided to catch up with my old friend, see what he was up to. Anal, that is what he was doing now. I do not remember any 80s or 90s movies with this, but now it seems that it is not a movie unless all of the women in the movie get it in the ass. I found this kind of shocking, so I wrote my congressmen and asked them to ban these new types of movies because they offended my sensibilities. What, is good old fashion vaginal sex just not good enough to get this current generation off? Somethings should just not be put on film - some lines should not be crossed, so I ask that you join me, and together we can help stamp out this anal sex perversion before it corrupts the very moral fiber of this great nation.

Okay, I didn't write my congressmen - too much of a hassle. Where I would like to see porn go is: positions. Throughout all of the years of porn, there are maybe 5 positions. I personally own a book with 365 positions! (Guess why there are 365 of them...) I keep thinking I need to send a copy of this book (which I purchased at Good Vibrations) to some porn studios in the hopes that it helps them get over this creative block. I want to see movies that contain such classics as: Crew Practice, The Mighty Wind, The Doctor Is In, "Are Those Lee Press-Ons", The Edward Scissorlegs, and of course The Steam Cleaner.

-Edward