Sex on the First Date

When you meet a guy and he asks you out for coffee, you know he is asking you to have sex with him. No matter what, if a guy is being friendly, he is probably thinking that he might have sex with you at some point. You probably already know this and might even be thinking that you are using this to your advantage, but you really aren't and I'll tell you why in a minute. But for now let me say, if you take him up on his coffee then you should have sex. Every date should have sex as part of it. I can already hear the murmur of the crowds...

Most men expect that they are going to have sex on every date and yet women do not, why? It is the artificial value that has been placed on women not having sex. We even have terms like "she is pure", or "she is innocent". What does sex have to do with purity or innocents? Sex is biological drive that people enjoy fulfilling together, like eating or breathing. Do we look at others and say "Look at that guy, wanting to breath all of the time. What, does he have to breath everywhere he goes? Give it a rest already! Try thinking with your head and not your lungs, pal."

If you are single, you should be having as much sex as possible with everyone that you go out with, even if it is just a "simple date." The value you place on sex keeps you from enjoying it. You feel like you are giving up something and that they guy is getting something from you. Can anyone really enjoy anything if one thinks someone is getting something from oneself? I know for me, even if someone shortchanges me a penny, I think, "Wow, this sucks. That person just got the better of me, since they got something from me that I value - money." Then again, hold on to money too long and it devalues, so I should be spending it every chance I get - depreciation wears away all assets. The value of an asset comes from its use, for all things will perish in the end.

Most women seem to think that their pussy is made of gold and will retain its value no matter what the economy, while I believe it is closer to Aluminium. Even though the value of the metal underneath may go down, if you are skilled with Aluminium and a novice with gold, you will be create works of art with Aluminium that everyone will desire, or have a pile of gold that will gather dust locked away. It is not the value of the metal that should matter, it is the value in how you have learned to handle it through many, many uses. So, enjoy it every chance you get, on every date you have or with any willing friend, then you will be actually be using that willing person to your advantage by what you learn about how to use that pussy of yours to make a MasterPiece.

The Edward

Spiffy Hat

Why that is a spiffy new hat that you have there my friend? Where did you get such a marvelous hat? Hat And Tie Emporium? Indeed! No, I myself do not wear hats, but thank you for offering. No, I didn't mean to offend you, I just though that you had a nice hat and I thought I would say so. I didn't mean to imply that I wanted one as well. Back off man, will you just drop it already? Wait, what are you doing? Hats don't belong up in there? Stay away from me with that thing. Ow, quit it. I warned you. Oh why, oh why didn't you listen. How can I hide the body? Maybe I can stuff it into this hat. I think this episode will leave me scarred for life against hats.

Why hello there Miss. That is quite a nice pair of panties you have there...

The Edward

Whirl Peas

I'm not quite sure why this is such a hot topic. I hear people talking about it all of the time. I've tried visualizing them, but gosh darn it, peas are god's most disgusting creatures and a quick trip through the blender doesn't enhance their appeal. Listening to political debates is like seeing a bad episode of Iron Chef. "We want whirl peas over here, but you keep standing in our way. You want whirl peas, but are you willing to kill people for it? It will be world peas our way or not at all!" Can't these people all just get along! They all just need a big group hug! Or a big group orgy, since sex seems to bond friendships better than most anything else on this planet, even better than food. I mean who among us hasn't slept with a good friend just to make the friendship stronger? It obviously works for dating. "I kind of liked you Marsha. I think we might have hit it off, but I am not sure. But if we have sex, maybe this will turn out to be a great date after all! Just a little sex, that's all we need. Just let me slip it in for a minute." Then after the hours of sex have ended, a simple hanging out has turned into a relationship. And now these two are bonded.

So, what I am I saying? I think we need to get all of the world leaders doing it. It will be like the chimps, they will all feel attached to one another afterwards - all pair bonded and stuff. They will each have a knowing smile when they talk to each other. They would pick fleas off of each other. Who would be able to fight over peas after such a positive, uplifting, and morally correct session of good old fashion mating. Ook ook.

The Edward

Aluminium Hat

What is worth saving? Say you had some treasure, some great and vast treasure! But you want to save it for a rainy day or for your wedding night. So you hide this treasure away, won't let anyone see it, won't let anyone touch it, or lay a single finger on this great treasure. The days turn into years, the years into decades, and you keep this valuable treasure away from your fellow man. Surely this treasure that was once so valuable years ago when you were young has increased in value many fold! Everyone was so hot and bothered to get their hands on it way back then, now they must be killing themselves to just get a peek at it.

Years ago, there was this valuable metal. It was shiny and very, very hard to come by. Some smart people figured a way to get small amounts of this precious metal together. Rich people made things out of this metal. I hear they even made some crowns out of it. A bar of it was even on display next to the French Crown Jewels. Everyone want this new metal! Now a days, it would be hard to give it away. Its value has decreased now that we know how to turn bauxite into Aluminium. Something so precious in its time that it was sought by kings, and now I throw away stacks of it every day after I drink my Cola from it.

This stories are obviously related. People value some things, not realizing that there could be an endless supply of it coming down the pike. Why save it? Why not get the most out of it while you are young?! Enjoy the gifts you have, for the longer you keep them hidden away from the probing hands of others, the less valuable they become and the less you will enjoy their possessions.

I guess what I am really saying is have sex. What you have isn't really that important or special in the grand scheme of things. And if you don't use it while you can, you will realize your mistake too late to enjoy it. It is always sad to me when I meet an older woman who held on to her chastity (or something close to chastity), hoping to give this great gift to that one special person. After a while, they realized that even if they met that one person, he would value their gift less than they would. For these women they have waited so long that it becomes harder and harder to give it up - "if I have waited this long, why give it up now". They will continue to wait, or give up hope, knowing that what they have is so good that eventually someone will see its true value.

If you have a pussy, use it as much as you can. The world is full of it, and there is new pussy coming down the pike. Don't end up being stuck with an aluminium crown.

The Edward

The Perfect Piss

I do not know when it started, all that I know is that it has been with me for as long as I can remember. Probably OCD or something like that. At some point in my distant past, I noticed that pissing made a sound. Yeah, not a brilliant revelation, I'm sure it is one that many people have had. The OCD part came in when I thought to myself "Hmmm... there are a lot of other people in this room besides me. And I do have this thing about people knowing what I am really thinking or doing. A solution! Can I piss in such a way that it makes no sound?" Thus an obsession was born.

Seen, the bowl of a toilet has curves. Each bowl is unique in its curves. Some of the men's urinals (I can not speak for women's urinals) even have a little pocket on the sides, I guess so secret agents can hide stuff there. Out of sight, yet hiding in plain sight. I began to analyze these curves as a means to my goal. Could I vary my position, my relative distance to the bowl, my aim, or any other variables in such a way that when the fluid flows, it hits in such a way to not make a sound? This would be the perfect piss! Or better stated, each piss could be the perfect one.

It is actually quite complex, you want the intersect of two curves to have a smooth differential. No sound is created when particles move from start to finish with no abrupt changes in at least the first derivative. It requires a smooth aim, constant adjustments for variables like wind speed, how long between bathrooms breaks, slight shifts in gravity, etc.

Then is is also the water line - is it a friend or foe? Obviously hitting the water directly would be bad. But right at the edge, the boundary between the two surfaces, it is possible to have the water absorb the impact without a sound, but it requires the skill of a master.

Sure, there is a lot more to it than this - isn't there always? I figured it out a long time ago. I'm sure some of you might have as well, though when I go to a men's room, it never sounds like it. But, I have discovered a flaw in all of this. Indeed, I am living my dream of privacy, but the dragon that haunts my world of piss: it now looks like I enter a stall, stand around for a bit, then leave. If I do not make a sound, and there are many people around, do they ask themselves: "What is he doing over there? He is making the motions, but since I hear nothing, maybe he is doing something else? Maybe he has one of those shy bladders. Ah, isn't that cute. Maybe I'll just go over there and hug him just to let him know it is alright." What they perceive as failure is actually mastery beyond their wildest dreams!

So, even if you can master the art of doing something in such a perfect way that no one else knows you are doing it, you have to add a flaw back into it or else you might seem kind of weird. Now excuse me for a minute, there is something I need to take care of.

The Edward

Brain in a Box

Yes, I know the title can be taken many, many ways. Here is one of them, with the usual long lead up.

I was out sick for the past 4 days. Fever, which always seems to cause an almost hallucinating-like state in me, stuffy, which always causes me to fear that I will choke to death on congealed snot whilst I sleep, and a host of other minor annoyances, which always makes me feel alive. During these fevered hallucinations, I had a vision. Well, more of a thought than an actual "Oh my god, I am seeing the face of my lord! And he is telling me something! 'Kill the something something humans!' Wait, no, I think he is saying, 'kill the Martians to save the humans!' I'm glad I listened a little closer the second time." Never had one of those, just kind of fevered dream where things seem crystal clear - like one is supposed to feel as one is dying.

I realized that software companies want a brain in the box. Actually, most employers want that. They want you, as you are when you are at your best. I realized while I was sick, I couldn't even write in my blog let alone write world changing software while solving the Martian invasion problem. I also saw my mental processes as a continuum, with the health of my body affecting how far up the continuum I could be. But companies, and I guess people in general, tend to think of people as a snapshot. "When we hired you, you could walk on water. Now that you have this head cold, you seem to be drowning in small puddles of water. Still, we except you to be here and produce the same level of work output, so get cracking. Take on for the team." The team always seems to be a bunch of bastards who want you to take one for them. Why doesn't the team ever take one for you? Bastards.

I admit, I am still kind of out of it. Based on the blog post I have made this evening, would you trust me to write software that would be responsible for controlling the Laser Eye Surgery machine? Any yet, every day people write software and provide vital services while they are not in top mental states. I do not have a solution to this problem, but it makes me trust stuff a lot less.

Ones intellect is dependent on the state of ones being. So, don't interview for a job when sick. Don't write mission critical code when feeling under the weather. No matter how good you are, when you make a mistake while sick, they will not remember the sick part, just the "Wow, this person who lived 10 million years ago was the cause of the downfall of the human race. How could she have made a mistake like that - just this simple switch had to be thrown. Idiots, all of them! Doesn't seem worth bringing them all back from the dead with this nifty alien technology that we posses."

You are more than a brain in the box (at least in this world, whether you are really a brain in the box in the real world is for some other posting), you are "you and your environment". Improve your environment, and you improve yourself! Even if it is something as simple as quiting your job - the one that has the crappy environment. You will soar to greater heights than you knew possible, because it wasn't possible with that crappy environment. You are more than just you!

The Edward

My Future

Continuing with the introspection, which I am sure is a real joy to read, I was reminded of something today, something that had put me into this introspective mood a year ago. I was in a local pasta shop with some friends. After we had ordered and gotten our food, this woman walked in. Okay, it wasn't this woman, since I do not have one in my hands right now, but a woman walked in. She seemed normal at first. Then she walked up to the counter to order and did so. Shocking, I know. What she did next though... she stripped off her clothes and danced to Mozart on the table. Okay, it wasn't that shocking or interesting. She took some money out of her wallet and laid it on the counter. But she didn't give it to the clerk, and the clerk did wait for it. Instead she moved up really close to the bills and started to smooth them out.

She continued to smooth them for the entire time we were there, maybe 10 minutes. Everyone in the restaurant politely looked away, since it was obvious that she had an obsession. She seemed fine when she talked and ordered, and didn't reek of low IQ, so she probably was OCD. I sat there contemplating her and her fate when I realized something. Since everyone looked away, did she know what she looked like in other people's eyes? Did she realize how bad her OCD really was? Without that feedback loop, I doubt it. People cared too much to tell her the truth and she spiraled downward.

Well, I am assuming a lot of the above. The interesting thing for me is that earlier that day, when the time of seating at this restaurant had arrived, my friends went out of their way to find the ideal seat for me. See, when I walk into a restaurant, I immediately scan the place for the ideal seat. Just something about a certain place that I like. Actually, it built up over the years. I found that strangers sitting next to me annoy me, then the people behind me started in as well. Now it is that I jump at noises from certain directions, so I need to sit in a certain seat or I get jumpy.

So, in looking at this woman, I realized that I was heading down that path, if I wasn't there already. I realized all of the things that my friends do for me to make me more at ease when in public with them. And I realized that I have some level of this OCD.

What this made me feel is sad, but not for myself, but for my friends. I have chosen to let things annoy me, I know this to be true so I am willing to live with my choices. But I realized how hard it must be to be around me. Things that they never had to think about in their lives, like which table or which seat or how many people were on an elevator or etc, they now think about when around me.

I vowed to overcome it, which is the main reason I took this spiffy new job at a place that has four people per office. It is very tough on me - I feel drained all of the time. I hope to be less of a burden to those around me, those whom I call friends.

Maybe some day, we will all walk hand in hand down to a restaurant and boldly just sit wherever we want to, no matter where it is, or how loud the people are around the table. And on that day, birds will sing! Children will laugh! And there will smiles on everyone's faces, even the happy little puppies!

The Edward