My view of my world
So, I haven't been posting in a while because of somethings in my personal life, and since the nature of this blog is not Edward's Personal Life Exposed to the Masses, I will probably not talk about it here. Actually, I probably will, since it is part of my Arcane view of your world.
One the problems that has been troubling me has been my blog posts and the comments I get. I enjoying writing, and I enjoy reading what others have to say, and I look forward to reading comments. Fun times all around. The issue is with my view. I began to realize that my view of the word is very skewed from what most people's view is. Well, "began to realize" is kind of wrong, since I actually did know that before I start this whole thing. It is more like, I started to realize that either I am insane or the world is.
When I started this, I was of the opinion, as I had been all of the previous years of my life, that the world is insane and that I was one of the few sane people. Sure, people who know me well would always scoff at this, but I kept to my belief. The recent turn of events followed the research about Mirror cells and how a lack of them in humans make humans not fit in. People with this lack will not see the human world for what it is and seem like people trapped in an alien world, a world in which they understand nothing of the natives and vice versa. This is how I always felt. Even the simplest of human interacts seems to elude me - I actually have to think about how to react. (Though, after many, many years of observation, I believe I pass reasonably well for a normal human (I can hear you scoffing...))
This started bothering me so much, that I stopped my internal dialog that I used to generate my blog posts. And I had some really interesting ones in the works - sister fucking was at the top of the list. (not one's own sister, but the idea of a friend dating a friend's sister) It was going to be very funny and yet insightful - I'll still do that along with the rest of the topics I had in mind, soon. I believe I finally came to grips with the issue - by human standards, I am insane, since sanity isn't an absolute but a judgement of how well a member of society matches the beliefs of the whole of society. If almost everyone believes something to be true, and there is one lone voice speaking out, that voice holder should be locked up - at least that is how it seems to work with humans (which is why I usually keep most of my ideas to myself). In the land of the blind, a one eyed man is not a king, but a madman!
To the point! My point is: my views by definition are that of a madman. So, what is the point of my continued postings? Well, to continue to explore the ideas in my mind in a way that is separate from my real life. Hence, I continue with the blog, even if it seems to me that I am beating a dead horse some times. And liking it.
So, I hope you enjoy my point of view and musings. I hope it makes you think of something different. (Yes, I know, I can not make anyone do anything, it is just a figure of speech! :) And at least for me, it is an affirmation of my Arcane View of your World.
The Edward
4 comments:
Edward,
You know that line, "man is an island" blah blah blah. Well, we all live inside ourselves. We all have our own truths, views, experiences, and perspectives. Why do you think there are all those self-help books and all the propaganda to "be homogenous", be cookie-cutter people? Because we all have our own drummer and society wants us to have the same drummer, for reasons of civilization. Apparently we all need to connect, empathize, walk in someone else's shoes, etc to be part of the human race. This is impossible. We can't walk in someone else's shoes or get in their heads because our experiences in their shoes or head would be colored by our own perspective. There can sometimes be commonalities and a meeting of the minds, people could "say" they understand, but do they really?
I believe that people can not really understand one and other. But, my recent conversations with some friends and some readings indicated to me that this belief might not be reflected in humanity as a whole.
There seem to be these levels of non-verbal communication - smiles, head nodding and such - that aspects of I had to teach myself. Though years of rigorous training, I could usually react quickly enough that people think my reactions are natural, just a little odd. Others seem to have this natural understanding of these non-verbal signals, they do not have to take the words literally.
What happened to spark it all was a conversation with a handyman that I had hired. He asked me what I believe he thought to be a simple question, to which he expected a "Yah". I realized that my answer would have required a very long explanation about being immortal and not valuing weather in the same way as him. I knew our common ground for communication was vastly different and would have required one of us to build a bridge just to get some simple work down around the house.
All of this lead me to a downward spiral of wondering about my views. I have very strict rules of conduct, ones that I have figured out work well. Going outside of that script requires effort and usually leads to misunderstanding, so I just put off calling a handyman for 2 years. And it was as I expected it would be - he was not one of the people I could talk with. That was how I finally resolved my dilemma - I went back to the idea that there are some people I can communicate better with and I need to seek out those people instead of wearing myself out trying to talk to one of the masses. The problem is still: what do I do when I need to talk to one of them?
Summary: I know I can not be a big man on an island, but maybe I can be a little man in a boat.
Have you ever thought you may have a touch of Asperger's or PDD-NOS? I don't mean to offend you but alot of what you describe is what my kiddos with those diagnoses are experiencing. And me to a certain extent. I have issues that fall under that umbrella. Basically I have to concentrate on being a social person, it's not a relaxing thing like it is with my friend J. Looking at my friend history shows me a pattern of gravitating to and becoming really good friends with very socially strong people and I follow in their wake. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a dud in the friend partnership, I provide much entertainment and food for thought, I just need someone to show me the way. And there is LOTS I don't understand about people. And I tend to perseverate. Makes for a prickly combo.
Try to use the people you have a difficult time talking with as sort of an "exercise". More practice makes it easier. I do this. It's not so fun, but the effort can pay off.
No offense taken. (Your words represent your belief, so how can I be offended by something you believe? That would be kind of arrogant of me if I were.)
The thing that started me thinking about this and eventually to create the post was someone telling me almost exactly the same thing about Asperger's and me having it in his belief. You know him as your brother. It is possible, but what defines Asperger's is how certain people behave, so if I do that, it is just a classification, like Type A personalities. I talked with my parents about it, and they claim I didn't exhibit the symptoms as a baby, so it is probably something else - just who I am.
Sounds like the same thing for you, that you have some intersection of the traits, but does that make you one of them? And if it did, would that change anything? You or I would just have a word to "define" us.
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