Riding My Ass

It was to be 100 degrees here where I live for the 4th of July, and I thought that just would be hot enough, so I went to Vegas where it was a record 116 degrees.  Better yet, flying would have gotten me there way to fast, so I decided to spend 9 hours in my car, each way, to get there with 113 degrees outside for 8.5 hours of it.  During my 18-ish hours in my car on the road, I learned a few things about driving from my fellow drivers.

1)  If there is no way for someone to pass, drive as slow as possible.  There are a few places along the way where there is only a single lane, with a 60 mph speed limit.  The person in front of me will deem that to be way to fast for any reasonable human to travel, so he will be sure to keep it way under 50 mph.  At some point, the road becomes two lanes, and it is like heaven opens up before me!  Suddenly, Mr. "Anything Above 50 is an Abomination in God's Eyes" can't go fast enough.  60 will suddenly be way to slow, which leads to #2.

2)  If you want someone in front of you to speed up, pretend like you are going to pass him.  So, one is in the fast lane, going fast, when one comes upon someone going much slower.  What will this person in front do?  Well, if there is a car next to him, rule #1 applies, he will match the other cars speed so that one can not pass him.  If there is no one next to him, or the car to the right suddenly blows up, in either case leaving a lane free in which to pass, one has a chance to make this person speed up:  simply go into the other lane.  Once over there, the slowpoke will find a new religion, a religion of speed.  Suddenly, that easy pass will become a difficult pass as he is now going more than 10 mph over the speed limit.

3)  If someone is trapped behind one of these moving roadblocks, ride their ass.  If someone is trapped, why not make their situation worse by riding as close to their rear bumper as possible?  All of the cools kids are doing it!  And it must get you to you destination faster... if your destination is an afterlife.  This one seems very dangerous, so I am currently unsure why drivers want to do this, but this one seemed to be very common.  Ass being ridden is a very frustrating situation to be in!

4)  If someone is riding your ass and you have a free lane next to you, pulling into it to let them pass is a mistake.  This is a mistake I make all of the time.  I figure the person riding my ass really wants to pass me, so I pull in the slower lane first chance I get.  The person suddenly seems to lose interest in passing me once he is around my rear quarter panel.  So, I can no longer easily get back into the fast lane and I have some moron in my blind spot.  Try to be helpful, and people screw with you.  I guess that is why people tend not to move to the side to let people pass, because of they do not want to be on the receiving end of this rule.

So, what have we learned today?  Nothing really.  I'm sure everyone has experienced these things happening to them before.  It was just kind of overwhelming to see it happening throughout the entire 18-ish hours, over and over again.  Sure, I had experienced this before at my last job, which made me hate what should have been a trivial drive into work, but after 18-ish hours I have to ask, what is wrong with people?  Doesn't everyone just want to get to their destination as efficiently and safely as possible?  I'd have to say not...  Humans...

The Edward

PS  After learning rule #4, I had the ass rider pull up next to me so he and his girlfriend could point and laugh at me for the next few miles.  So, be sure to learn all of these rules so as to get the best experience on your next cross country trip.