Illegal Companion

I was listening to the radio today, and I heard something new! Actually, that is a misspeak on my part, there was no sniper fire. There is nothing new on the radio, it is always a rehash of the same things every day. And today was no different. People were talking about Illegal Immigration, which bothers me every time I hear it (almost as much as the misuse of gender: words have gender, people have sex).

There is no such thing as Illegal Immigration. Immigration is the legal process by which one becomes a citizen of a different country from which one is currently a citizen. Putting the words together this way not only doesn't make sense, but it leads people into fallacies. I heard them all day long on the radio. "All people are Immigrants or descends of some." I shudder at the number of the logical errors in that sentence. Shudder. See, I did it right there in front of you!

If we can put aside all that is wrong with that phrase and all of the illogical surrounding every discussion on the topic, I think there is a nugget of usefulness to be found here! I think we can take any word that is a-okay, slap Illegal in front of it, use this combine to describe something else, then claim we are only talking about the base word, not the act itself. Hard to explain, but easy to show examples of!

Kidnapping has such a negative connotation. What is it really? It is taking someone and making them be around you all of the time. Isn't companionship the want to have someone around? Illegal Companionship is born! I mean, we are only talking about companionship, and who among us doesn't want a companion? Who are we to deny someone the god-given right to have a companion! Are you anti-companion?

Rape is just Illegal Sex. Without sex, none of us would be here. Sex is a good thing for all of humanity. So what if the means are slightly less than legal, we are talking about sex! Are forefathers had it, who are we to deny the rights of others to find sex by the means of their choosing?

There are many more, and all of them equally as logically valid as the phrase Illegal Immigration.

The Edward

Government Control Competition

I was listening to the radio the other day when it struck me - maybe people do not believe in the Free Market. In thinking about it today over breakfast/lunch, I realized that they might have the right idea. Let me explain through example:

Take your average purveyor of quicksand. Business is going along fine, the products practically move themselves, but at kind of a slow pace. Sure, he makes enough to keep his head above water... until one day some competition moves in on his turf. These Free Market people think that this would be okay, the more competition, the better the service/pricing - help build a better mousetrap, they say.

But say this new guy starts competing, but is new to the field. He has a lot of money to sink into something and he thought this would be a good area to try his luck. The problem is that he isn't very good at it, so this water jockey mixes his products wrong and starts costing both of them a lot of business and lost customers. What can the first person do to compete; he is sunk.

If there was government control over businesses, then they could regulate all of this. They could prevent this new guy from stumbling his way into the business. The first business would continue to do well, the customers would have the government controlled quicksand quality that they deserve, and everyone is happy.

The average quicksand customer doesn't have time to clean the trap - he probably bought the quicksand to deal with problems quickly and effectively. Out of sight, out of mind. When the trap fills, then what? Who wants to put up with that bellyaching all night long? This is where government control could help the consumer - research dollars!

Lots of money is spent by private industry, and how is this fair to the small quicksand vendor who doesn't have that kind of capital? With the government control of research, money could be allocated to help! I've been hearing a lot about bacteria that can break down oil and convert it into something harmless - useful in oil spills. Could not something like this, with enough research money, be converted over to something that converts human and animal remains into something like sand and water? This would make a killing in the quicksand market!

I hope that I have proven my point. Think of the little guy in all of this - we need government to protect him from all of the pitfalls of business. Help make him successful and his his product better for the consumer.

The Edward

I Found My Swimming Certificate!

Despair Squid - my favorite episode of the TV show Red Dwarf. (Which is an anagram of Fr Edward...) Actually, it is one of my favorite episodes of all time of any TV show. Let's recap:

In this episode, four beings are underwater exploring a far out world when they encounter a giant squid. The squid destroys their ship and they all die. Then they wake up in room filled with Virtual Reality equipment. It is revealed that the entire series of this show had just been these four people playing a video game, but they had forgotten. As they walk around, they can see how other people are playing the characters that they had been playing for the past couple of seasons. The interesting thing was that in the other games, the crew were winners. (Red Dwarf's crew were hapless losers, stumbling from one bad event to the next throughout the series.) Especially relevant was Rimmer.

Rimmer was the biggest loser of the group - he always blamed his lack of success on his lack of advantages growing up that more successful people had had. But he found out in watching other people play the Rimmer character, that they were competent people. They all had the same starting place in the game, but somehow they turned this character into a winner.

In talking with people in the game lounge, the other people couldn't believe that he played the character as a loser. Rimmer's only accomplishment in life was his swimming certificate, which he proudly hung up. But in the game, it was a trick. The idea that such a lowly certificate could be the high point of someones life was supposed to stand out in the game and make the player take notice. He was supposed to look more closely at the certificate, then he would have realized that the dot in the "i" in "Swimming" was actually micro text telling him that he was really an undercover agent on a secret mission. This knowledge would propel the character into being a hero in the game.

The part that I found most fascinating about all of this - he really shouldn't have needed to read this. The only difference between his Rimmer and the other players' Rimmers was this knowledge, but what reason would anyone have to believe the writing in micro text? What if he had just lived his life like he was that undercover spy? Then, wouldn't he have had the same great life? Did it matter that someone else told him, or could he have turned his life around with a simple self generated thought, rather than someone else's thought?

The Edward

That Bastard!

I'm sure we have all been in this situation. A friend or someone we know walks into a room and is very upset. Being that we are all kind and friendly people here, we ask, "Say Bob, what's wrong? Why do you look like someone just skinned your favorite cat?" Then this Bob person says, "That bastard." Then tells you the story of what happened. "I was walking past Bob in accounting, and he offered me a doughnut. Can you believe it? That bastard!"

Summary: Bob tells you a story about Bob in accounting, and the story that has upset him so much seems so trivial that you think you missed out on something. While Bob here is expecting you to side with him in this conflict and be as outraged as he is. Not wanting to offend Bob, you cleverly say "And..." with a questioning look on your face to let Bob know that you are a little slow on the uptake today. Bob gets an expression on his faces, pauses for a minute and says "Because he knows I am on a diet." Now that you have a "because" you can finally agree and say "That bastard!" even though you really not not outraged or probably even understand, you are just being supportive.

I know I have been Bob, the offended Bob that is (as well as the offending Bob, but that is a different blog post), and after telling my story, I get to the point where I think the audience will agree with me and I hear "And..." I know I have two choices. I can either realize that it was kind of trivial and say "Wow, I guess you are right, I do not know why I was so upset. Weird." Or say "Because xxx" which will cause people to pretend to feel for my plight. Ah, the warming feeling of fake emotions - is there nothing sweeter!

What I realized the last time this happened is it could make a semi funny skit. Bob is upset. "Why?" some asks. "Bob in accounting just gave me $500. That bastard!" Looks of confusion on the faces of people around him. Bob obvious realizes they are not getting it, so he now knows he is in the wrong and a fool. To cover for his ego he follows up "Because he gave it to me in hundreds." Followed by looks of relief on everyone's faces since they finally have an out and they say, "Oh. That bastard!"

The Edward

PS No Bob's were harmed in the making of this blog post. Anyone named Bob who reads this, or anyone you know named Bob, has no connection to any of the Bob's in the story. Bob is easier to type than Mortimer, and Bob's your uncle.

The Consuming Darkness

I have a dream. Well, actually, I had a dream. But not just any old dream, no sirree bob. This was a special dream. Let me tell you about it before I get to my topic.

I was in a house at a party. Suddenly, it all went dark. People started to wonder off, and as people got further away from each other, their sounds were lost. Each person, trapped in a darkness that was absorbing sounds relative distance. I saw a light on downstairs and made my way to it. The darkness was overwhelming the light. I called out to someone, someone was nearby. I told whomever it was to meet me at the light before it was gone. As sound and sight faded, I woke up saying these words over and over "The consuming darkness."

This dream helped me out with a blog post I had been struggling with. Sure, there was a lot more to the dream that I left out, things too horrifying to mention as well as irrelevant the problem at hand. At issue was an ad I saw on TV for a razor that never needed sharpening! Never! That was their claim. I was intrigued. Their statements were so obviously lies, I just couldn't believe that they could say such things on TV with a straight face. It was some blend of steel, which gave it this property of unending sharpness. Such crap.

After being so annoyed by that ad that I couldn't speak, I thought what they really needed was a razor made of something more substantial. Something that didn't interact with matter in such a way that would cause dulling (oxidization is a key factor in razors going dull, which is why if you put mineral oil on the blades after each use, they will last a lot longer). Then the idea hit me: dark matter! But what to call it? How to advertise it?

The latest invention from your friends at Arcane Lab: Consuming Darkness. A blade so sharp that it literally sucks the hair off your skin. Made off 100% dark matter, so you know that it's good. A blade of this magnitude will never dull, and better yet, it doesn't interact with light, so you can take your blade wherever you go, discreetly. Make this the last razor you will ever buy. Consuming Darkness, another groundbreaking invention from the people at Arcane Lab. "We see the future better than you."

The Edward